How Two-Spirit People Can Help

A two-spirit person came into my life the moment I needed them. Faith, coincidence, luck—I don't know. Call it mystical and spiritual, or explain it as mirror neurons and subtle body expressions influenced by social cognition. However you define it, they had the energy I needed.

Two-spirit is how many Native Americans define what Westerners call nonbinary. The androgynous males often married a masculine man, and the masculine females had feminine women as wives. Rather than emphasizing homosexuality, many Native Americans saw them as leaders and teachers because they were blessed with the spirit of a man and woman. Similar religious traditions existed among the native peoples of Siberia and many parts of Central and Southeast Asia. However, most evidence for positive two-spirit tradition comes from native peoples of the Plains, the Great Lakes, the Southwest, and California.

I bring up history because all the times I’ve heard, “Look at these snowflakes making up genders. What happened to the good ol’ days when we just had men and women?”

If by good ol’ days, you mean the time Christians slaughtered, raped, and tortured indigenous children to make them civilized, then sure.

But there was a time before that we’re finally bringing back.

Now look, I am not pro-language control or an extensive list of pronouns. I cringed every time a professor asked us to introduce ourselves by our preferred pronoun—not because I didn't want to use the pronoun people identified with, but because it was university. For tens of thousands of dollars, I wanted to learn about the material I signed up for, not introduce myself in a circle like it was kindergarten. Also, no pronoun is ever really yours. (The best article I have ever read about pronouns is by Sam Kriss titled “Me, me, me, me, me” at Numb at the Lodge. It explores various languages and the history of pronouns beyond just English politics.)

Estoy harta with the discussions about genders in the modern West. The discourse is polarizing and misses the point, which I explain in “A Rhetorical Analysis of the Safe Space Movement.”

I’m not here to spill even more ink on identity politics and culture wars; I’m here to share how a two-spirit person helped me.

Juana, Juan, or most preferably Jua, is their name. They’re my mother’s cousin’s hije from Argentina who came to Europe to meet their distant family. I warned her (he’ll switch pronouns, too) that I was going through a possible separation, so I might be more difficult to be around than usual. And by difficult, I meant emotionally unstable, frighteningly unpredictable, and exhausted from IBS-related—

The point is, I’m glad they still came.

The second I saw her, I felt comfortable. Was it the gently squared jawline that reminded me of my mother and uncle? Was it the sense of kinship? Probably, but it wasn’t until we started talking that I felt the value two-spirit people have to offer.

A ver, women and men are different—not as different as society has us believe, but the differences (whether biological or culturally learned) affect our psychology.

• Females experience more positive and negative emotions.
• Females score higher on measures of empathy.
• Females show depression 2-3 times more than males due to hormone differences (biological) and victimization (societal). (See McRae et al., 2008 in References below)
• By age 4 or 5, young males show higher aggression across cultures, but this is physical, not relational (excluding others, spreading rumours, etc.).

However, a review of 46 meta-analyses found that 78% of gender differences were small or close to zero. Some exceptions included some motor behaviours (e.g., throwing distance) and some aspects of sexuality (e.g., attitudes about casual sex). (See Petersen & Hyde, 2014 in References below) But based on Canadian “experiments” in my early twenties and my “ethnographic investigations” in Spain, amigos con derecho a roce (friends with the right to rub) seem equally common among all genders from my generation (millennials).

Of course, my personal experiences influence how I construe genders. I can read all the research I want, but the societies I grew up in and the people I interact with shape constructed boundaries I hope to break.

But I’m human. On top of that, I’m a straight, cisgender male who can’t help but interpret the advice from women and men differently. And this is why I needed Jua.

When I look at a Jua, I don’t see a man or a woman; I see a person, a person that contains multitudes.

It’s not that Jua asked me different questions or gave other advice than a man or a woman, but I felt they understood both worlds. She spoke softly, but he got the point. They spoke of sex and carnal desires that didn’t objectify. And most importantly, they didn’t have gender role expectations or judgements.

“I want to feel like a woman, a wife,” my partner told me a few days after we decided to take a break.

She didn’t want me to stop cooking or cleaning the house—I could keep those traditional “wife” roles. However, since I paid for the apartment and most of the bills (traditional male roles), I felt entitled to ask for help with the tasks she could do better than me—fixing things, dealing with RedTape, logistics, Spanish, creating visually appealing courses, logo-creation, book covers, everything math-related, driving—so, most things (no matter the gender role or inaccurate stereotype).

I started asking her for help even before I thought of solutions, making her feel like a partner, not a wife. There’s more, of course, but this isn’t a diary entry.

My partner’s father is the quintessential Ukrainian man (a stoic provider with empathy and compassion), and I couldn’t live up to those expectations. Eventually, my partner could only focus on the negative in me, and her presence felt like a dark cloud.

Still, the break didn’t lift las nubles. Since she is my only anchor where I live, I had no loved ones to hold—until Jua.

I didn’t want to call up acquaintances for a hug or a shoulder to cry on. Was it gender roles holding me back? Or was it because I didn’t feel close enough to them? It could be both, but the second I greeted Jua with un abrazo, I felt an energy that was both new and familiar.

I discovered we shared similar music tastes, sociopolitical views, and ideas about people and the world. But, of course, I had experienced that with people before.

With Jua, there was something more. When she told me he was nonbinary, it clicked. I thought about two-spirit people and their roles as teachers and shamans in many indigenous communities. I realized how their presence can strip away socially learned constructs.

Just like anyone else, nonbinary people come with their idiosyncrasies and differences, so I’m not saying every nonbinary person is meant to be a healer or shaman.

Jua works as a masseuse and reiki healer. As someone who prefers to form opinions and make decisions based on hard scientific evidence, I didn’t jump with joy at the words “reiki healer.” But I am always open to new experiences.

It seemed like Jua’s hands knew me, and I knew them my whole life. Again, this could be kinship, but this was the first time I got a massage without thinking, ‘This woman is getting close to my private parts. Please continue,’ or ‘This dude is getting close to my bum, which is cool, but like, I told him to focus on my shoulders.’ Instead, they were a person’s hands—Jua’s hands.

I enjoyed the soft and powerful touch during the massage, but it wasn’t until the reiki that I experienced Jua’s healing. I became hyperaware of the blood (maybe energy) flowing through my body. When Jua touched my throat, I laughed and felt joy; when they touched my head, I calmed down, and when they touched my stomach, I was overwhelmed by all sorts of career and relational desires. And when the reiki session was over, I felt refreshed and cleansed.

Am I sure of everything reiki healers claim? No. Do I think only two-spirit people can heal in the way I experienced? Of course not. But I am sure we must celebrate rather than marginalize two-spirit people. Two-spirit people are a small percentage of our world and can offer a presence and perspective beyond our constructed boundaries to peer into what makes us human.

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This story is a glimpse into how deeply intertwined our personal experiences are with broader societal constructs. Living between systems—whether cultural, gender, or belief—offers a unique lens through which to understand ourselves and the world.

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