Do friends come and go?
Do friends need to pay you back with gifts?
Are friends required to provide advice and practical support?
How many friends do you have?
Who do you share your life’s story with?
Is it possible to live a life without enemies?

You might think it depends on the level of friendship. A good friend will pay for your food, whereas a best friend will eat your food. A good friend will stop you from doing something stupid, but a best friend will do it with you. And so on.

But reactions to these jokes and answers depend on culture. Yes, friendships are universal, but the ways they form and function are not.

Universally, friendships positively impact health (mental and physical) and can give you a sense of purpose and control over your life. However, friend networks can also increase the chances of substance abuse, smoking, and obesity.

These findings make sense. My friends are why I’ve climbed higher mountains, questioned more beliefs, made it through heartache, forgotten too many nights, woken up in strangers’ basements (yes, plural), and ended up in different cities by accident.

What’s Universal—And What Varies

No matter the culture, most of us are subject to the mere exposure effect (we like people we see more often). People also tend to be attracted to those similar to them in socioeconomic background, religion, interests, and personality. Plus, attractive people generally have an easier time making friends.

Of course, there are individual exceptions, but these findings are consistent across cultures.

What varies, however, is:

• What is expected from a friend
• How quickly we drop or maintain friendships
• How easy it is to get into someone’s inner circle
• How many friends we have
• How often and in what ways we socialize
• Whom we consider enemies

Before exploring these cultural contrasts, it’s important to understand the four elementary forms of relationships.

The Four Elementary Forms of Relationships

1. Communal Sharing

Everyone is treated the same and has equal rights and privileges as other group members. Resources are pooled for the larger whole. This model is common in many Western households.

Some Westerners might object: “This is BS! I was a middle child, and I can guarantee equal rights and privileges don’t exist. My family forgot me in a park after a game of hide-and-seek. Twice!”

I’m sorry to hear that. Apparently, researchers forgot about middle children too. But now that I’ve taken this brave stance for the unnoticed, let’s continue.

2. Equality Matching

Relationships are based on balance and reciprocity. People track exchanges and are motivated to repay in equivalent terms. While less familiar to many Westerners, equality matching is common worldwide.

• Trobriand Islanders – Men take long, dangerous journeys to exchange shell necklaces of no practical value. Later, the recipient must undertake a similar journey to reciprocate.
• East Asians – More reluctant than North Americans to accept gifts because of the obligation to reciprocate.⁶

3. Market Pricing

Interactions are based on proportionality and ratios, often reducible to money. Unlike equality matching, both sides of the exchange usually occur at once. Different kinds of goods can be traded if their values are judged equal (e.g., coffee for flour and seashells).

Because market pricing doesn’t require close personal ties, it thrives in more individualistic societies.

4. Authority Ranking

Relationships are hierarchical. Higher-ranking individuals hold privileges; lower-ranking individuals may gain protection or care. Common in more hierarchical cultures, such as Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and Korea.

All Four in Action

Of course, these models often overlap in real life. For example, at a family dinner:

• Everyone eats until satisfied (communal sharing)
• The father sits at the head of the table (authority ranking)
• Each person gets the same amount of dessert (equality matching)
• A child gets $1 for unloading the dishwasher (market pricing)

That last example is particularly North American.

“You have the brutaliteit to ask for money voor je eigen familie te helpen,” my father said, his voice full of indignation and pain.

“I just know a lot of kids who get paid for chores,” I muttered.

“And do you also know a lot of kids who visit een nieuw land each year? Do you also know a lot of kids die elke avond samen met hun familie dineren? This fucking sick culture.”

“I didn’t choose to live here.”

“You should be ashamed.”

And I was. Sick with shame and confusion. What kind of sicko accepts money for helping loved ones? Why do other parents promote this? Why do families eat in front of the TV? How do my parents have time to cook every night?

Years later, I only had more questions:

• Why do some Canadian parents charge their kids rent at 18?
• Why is my Spanish buddy still living at home at 30?
• Why did my friend bill me down to the cent when he was broke, but not pitch in when he got rich?
• When is it culture or socioeconomic situation—and when is someone just an asshole?

Independent vs. Interdependent Self-Concepts

The degree to which we follow these four elementary relationship forms often parallels two self-concepts: independent and interdependent.

• Independent self-concept – Common in Western cultures. Individuals see themselves as unique and make decisions based on personal desires, even when those conflict with group expectations.
• Interdependent self-concept – Common in Non-Western, collectivist cultures. Individuals define themselves as part of a group and adhere to shared social norms.

Independent Self-Concept

In practice, people with independent self-concepts tend to form friendships when advantageous: shared interests, fun, and opportunities. But if those conditions fade, they can remain independent without maintaining the friendship.

This can sound selfish, but it’s reflected in one of my favourite hip-hop songs:

Here’s part of it if you don’t have time to listen right now.

It's all about you
So every morning that you wake before the first step that you take
Just think it's all what you make it, and you'll make it through

This life will leave you stressed out, left out, with your neck out
Ain't nothing changed
Real life, so we deal right, but it feels like,
It's something strange
Wondering the dumbest things and let everything
Get under our skin
Trouble again, trying to impress, somebody else,
It's fucked in the head
So do you, you'll never make everyone happy, it just won't happen
At the end of the day, when all say is said
You better be ready to go back at em
I learned slow, my verse shows, my growth, my wisdom
If you positive or negative, it don't make a difference not when you living
Cause some of the most successful people on this planet
Will kill themselves, or somebody else
Life they really couldn't manage
Then we got bums, alcoholics, on the streets
With no stress, no where to rest, no where to dress
No where to sleep
And they said, fuck my morals. I'm drinking away my sorrows
I'm living life and I'm happy, I ain't thinking - about tomorrow
Do you

Interdependent Self-Concept

Mostly Non-western individuals (but this is changing) understanding their sense of self as part of a group or society and adhering to social norms.

This can sound conformist, but the unity it fosters has created cultural masterpieces.

Unity by Diego Rivera

Fuji from Kanaya on the Tokaido Highway from The Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji by Katsushika Hokusai,

Art, like friendship, has a mystical element beyond explanation. The universal magic of friendship remains constant, but the ability to choose friends differs.

In interdependent cultures, friendships are often in-group based. Individuals have less freedom to shift groups, and relationships are maintained through obligations and expectations rather than choice.

This aligns with low relationship mobility—relationships are seen as naturally existing and continue regardless of personal satisfaction.

• Ghanaians, for example, often describe friends as those who provide practical support.
• Americans, in contrast, are more likely to emphasize emotional support and typically report having more friends than Chinese or German adults.²

This difference stems from high relationship mobility in individualist cultures like the U.S., where people can easily drop unfulfilling friendships and form new ones.

Relational and Residential Mobility

Relational mobility is closely tied to residential mobility—how physically mobile people are.

There’s a Belgian saying: Een Belg is geboren met een baksteen in zijn maag (“A Belgian is born with a brick in their stomach”).

Belgians value home ownership and often stay in the towns where they grew up. The Dutch, by contrast, are far more mobile.

My family blurred those lines. My father traveled through literature and transport ships from the age of 14, but lived in one house and has had the same best friend for over fifty years. My mother, however, had to leave Argentina for Belgium at six, learning early to be both residentially and relationally mobile.

“I always saw people and relationships as phases. They come into your life, and then they go. I never bothered keeping in touch with friends. It didn’t even cross my mind,” my mother told me.

That began to change after she met my father, but moving to Canada — one of the world’s most residentially and relationally mobile countries — reinforced that mobility.

North American Outliers

Americans and Canadians are unique in how often they move:

• At 18, many leave home for university far across the country or province.
• Moves often follow jobs, housing markets, or lifestyle changes.

Cultural psychologist Shige Oishi found several consequences of frequent moves:

1. Conditional loyalty (college pride only when the school is described positively).
2. More Facebook friends on campus, and faster growth of social networks.
3. Greater emphasis on personality traits over group memberships when defining identity.
4. Preference for large national chains (Starbucks, Walmart, Barnes & Noble) over local stores.

Enemies and Friendship Across Cultures

Not all cultures view friendship and enmity the same way.

• Only 26% of Americans reported having enemies.
• In contrast, 71% of Ghanaians said they were targets of enemies.⁹

(Image: contrasting visuals — Americans smiling in casual settings vs. Ghanaians in tense community disputes)

Americans tend to see enemies as outsiders, while Ghanaians often view enemies as from within their groups. And if you’ve been following U.S. culture wars, you won’t be surprised if those 2005 stats have since doubled.

I personally don’t have any known enemies, but I can clearly see how residential and relational mobility has shaped my friendships — especially with my Eurolatinish upbringing in small-town Canada.

A Eurolatinish Point of View

As a third-culture kid raised by a mother with three passports and a Belgian father who behaved like a Latino, I grew up with questions:

1. Why do Canadian parents start charging rent the second their kids turn 18?
2. Why is my Spanish buddy still living at home at 30?
3. Why did my friend send me a bill down to the cent as a student?
4. Why didn’t that same friend pitch in once he was rich?
5. Why did I admire his bluntness, but lose the friendship because of mine?
6. And the timeless question: when is it cultural, and when is someone just an asshole?

The Role of Money in Friendship

From my experience:

• Canadians justify charging their kids rent at 18 as discipline and responsibility. Europeans and South American see it as a culture that values money over family.
• Spaniards stay at home longer partly due to economics, partly due to culture, and partly because — let’s be honest — why give up free laundry service?

Reciprocity, however, is where things get messy in the West. Some people split bills down to the cent, others cover the whole thing without expecting repayment, and some weaponise generosity to manipulate you.

This gray area was exactly why I lost a close friend.

Conflict and Cultural Misunderstandings

The problem with being Eurolatinish is inheriting Latino passion and European bluntness.

Latin Americans often practice simpatía, a cultural emphasis on harmony, graciousness, and hospitality. They are expressive, but conflict-avoidant.

I, however, inherited the bluntness of Northern Europeans. I love heated debates and don’t mind yelling if it’s followed by laughter and reconciliation. That assumption was my downfall.

Here’s how the friendship ended:

Friend: Hi Nolan. I don’t appreciate you asking me to pitch in 24 hours after I got home.
Me: YOU DON’T APPRECIATE IT? I DON’T FUCKING APPRECIATE IT! You can send me bills down to a cent when you pay, but I can’t even ask you to pitch in when I pay? Just like the only beer you ever offered me, you’re a Sneaky fucking Weasel!
Friend: We see it differently.

I assumed we’d yell, grumble, and then hug it out. Instead, the friendship ended.

Relational Mobility and Letting Go

My friend had also lived on three continents, which made him highly relationally mobile. For him, relationships were phases. When one turned sour, he simply moved on.

For me, raised between Belgian stability and Canadian mobility, friendship wasn’t a “phase” I could just close. I can’t always shut chapters, but I can write them.

Conclusion: What Culture Taught Me About Friendship

Culture shapes how we form, maintain, and end friendships — from the expectations of reciprocity to the freedom (or lack thereof) to move between social circles.

• In low relational mobility cultures (like Ghana), friendships often come with deep obligations, practical support, and long-term ties — even when they turn sour.
• In high relational mobility cultures (like the U.S. or Canada), friendships are easier to form but also easier to end. Relationships are seen as optional phases rather than lifelong commitments.

The Universal Magic of Friendship

Despite these cultural differences, one thing remains universal: friendship has a mystical quality that transcends explanation. It shapes our health, our sense of belonging, and even our creative expression.

Like love, it resists being reduced to rules of reciprocity or social norms. Whether it’s sharing meals, debating politics, or carrying each other through heartbreak, the essence of friendship is its ability to connect us in ways beyond reason.

My Final Reflection

As someone raised in a Eurolatinish household in small-town Canada, I’ve come to see friendship as both a gift and a challenge.

I can’t see friends as “phases,” the way high-mobility cultures often do. At the same time, I can’t fully embrace the lifelong obligations of low-mobility cultures. Instead, I navigate somewhere in between — sometimes clashing, sometimes connecting, but always learning.

And maybe that’s the real takeaway: friendship is never just personal — it’s cultural. The way we love, fight, forgive, or walk away is deeply shaped by where (and how) we were raised.

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